This party is so goddamn lame.
Seriously. We have all the natural beauty of Washington and the plentiful bounty of alcohol of a bunch of 19-year-olds with fake IDs and it is still so lame. All 20-something of us sitting around a campfire talking about, what, Chappell Roan and if people actually do ketamine or if that’s just a rumor and if we’re all locked in embittered situationships right now why are we even at college when we could all throw ourselves off a bridge instead. It’s stupid.
“I wonder if the campus police actually do anything,” one of the people from my hallway says. “My best friend from high school said her campus police don’t even respond to emergency calls.”
“Nah, man,” her day one situationship says, “I heard they’re tough here. They’ll probably bust this party.”
What even is there to bust? I sit there and poke at the fire with a stick. Little embers drift up into the chilly air.
No one would notice if I left. Not dropped out, to clarify (although given the quality of the parties at this school that might be in my future), but if I just wandered off into the woods. It’s night time and I know there’s nothing in there but coyotes and moose and drunk college students making out for the first time. I know who I’d want to take in a fight.
I grab my messenger bag and head out towards the woods. No one even bats an eye. My roommate who invited me doesn’t even look up from his phone. Okay. Not offended.
The woods are dark. Duh. There’s just about enough moonlight to see the ground in front of me, covered in autumn leaves. It’s like my native New Hampshire but not. I’m not amused.
Okay, Rainier, don’t be mean to the woods. You’re just pissed off.
I walk forward, I dunno, 700 feet, past fallen trees and rocks and cigarette butts, until I decide I’m too drunk and stupid to keep going. I sit down by the stump of a tree, red Solo cup in hand, and I look out into the woods. Nothing but darkness.
I can’t believe I put on this stupid outfit for the party. I brought all of my punk stuff from high school to college – super big hassle, by the way, getting all of that metal through airport security – and I’ve been wearing it a lot recently. I wore this kind of thing a lot during junior year and there’s some security stepping back into an outfit I felt so confident in. Less-so now. The jacket is fine, although a little gaudy with all of the patches on the back, and the collar scratches against my fur. I actually found the alien beanie on the ground a few days ago and I really like it.
The problem is these stupid pants. They were all ripped when I wore them back in high school – including a prominent rip on the bottom that I never bothered to patch up – and now it’s a problem wearing them again. I should have just put something else on but I wanted to go for the punk look. I can literally dig my dick and balls out of the bottom of my pants and air them out for the whole woods to see.
And you know what, that’s what I do.
It’s a funny image, me sitting in the woods of the pacific northwest in my high school punk gear, dick poking out of a rip in my jeans. If I place my boots correctly you wouldn’t even be able to tell my balls are resting on the cold dirt. I could have done it at the party like a pervert.
I’m hard, in the way that you’re hard when you handle your penis but you’re not horny in the slightest. I grab my dick in my hand and start to feel it, again for the joke. Dude masturbating in the woods. This is what you do when you’re a teenager, not when you’re a college student and there’s pussy abound. Stupid college. I upended my whole goddamn life for this.
You know what? I’m gonna masturbate.
I spit on my cock and begin to rub it with my bunny paw. It feels fucking good. I close my eyes (it’s the same view as having them open) and begin to jerk myself off.
I haven’t quite figured out the masturbation situation yet – I jerked off in the dorm showers the first day, but that felt nasty, and except for this party my roommate is always in the room. Maybe we could do that gay thing they do in porn where you and your roommate agree to be naked around each other and agree to mastubate around each other and it turns into gay sex every night after he gets home from his polisci classes. I could definitely do that. He’s hot.
It feels really fucking good to masturbate after a week. I could do this every night, really – come out into the woods to masturbate. My dick is already throbbing in my hand. I squeeze it and a little precum drips down my paw and onto my boot, I think. That’s okay.
I keep masturbating, indulging myself with thoughts of fucking my roommate. When in college, I guess. Fucking him would be such a stupid thing to do but what else is there to think about it.
Pleasure pulses through my thighs. I could cum right now. I could shoot my load all over the leaves on the ground. I let out a little moan.
Then I hear footsteps. I see light a few feet ahead of me.
I am so fucking stupid. Not only do I go out in the woods because I don’t know how to socialize for shit, not only do I pull my dick out, no, I have to get so into masturbating I forget where I am.
I position my boots in front of my dick like I practiced. Hopefully that hides it. Of course my dick is pulsing because I was about to cum – this is so fucking stupid.
I think it’s my roommate. Maybe he’s here to jerk off with me.
And then a flashlight is shining in my face, and it is so so bright. Brightness like I have never seen. I put a hand out and wave.
“Hello, officer.”
Their stupid party did get busted. And I didn’t even hide my alcohol. I am so stupid.